A Prank War of Magical Proportions
by qwerty19
Summary: Sometimes, the teachers truly are out to get you. An epic tale of Dung Bombs, Canary Creams, and spiked Lemon Drops. Warning: Actually, uh, there's not anything to warn about. So, just read. Yeah.


Author's Note: Two fics in (relatively) quick succession? I must really like you guys! What is this? Why, a random idea that won't leave me, of course. As with the last fic, it's from the folder "Half-Formed Garbage." I polished it up, sent it to my FANTASTIC beta, PB7, changed a few more things up, and posted.

Please note that this isn't entirely meant to have characterization and flow. While I can do that (and quite well) it's not very present in this fic. If you like comedy, read on. If you like angst or serious fics, well…that's not in this one. I have some actual plots pseudo-outlined (you'll learn what I mean eventually, but they're only in the rough draft phase. Don't worry, you shalt have them with patience! Now that the annoying, obligatory and unnecessary details are over with, enjoy this awesomeness of cosmic, epic and magical proportions.

Yes, I know that Snape is less of a…well, a Snape. Why? I felt like it. Deal with the horror of a slightly OOC Snape (like you've never seen one before).

Disclaimer: I don't own the fourth wall, so don't expect to see it.

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"A Prank War of Magical Proportions"

Severus Snape, Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House, walked into the weekly Head of House meeting with a sneer on his face. He did not like these silly get-togethers; to him it was a waste of time. Here he was with his annoying coworkers when he could be working on his beloved potions, or perhaps inventing one. No, he had to be here, discussing rowdy students and OWLs and curriculum changes and…

"Severus, are you finished with your inner monologue? It's been going on for quite some time." Professor Dumbledore looked at Snape over his half-moon glasses, eyes twinkling all the while. Professor McGonagall smirked a bit but hid it well.

Snape sighed. He had lost his place when Dumbledore interrupted. "Yes Headmaster, I am quite finished with my… inner monologue, as you decide to dub it. Please proceed with your oh-so-important topic."

"Thank you, Severus! I appreciate your enthusiasm." That Merlin-forsaken twinkle was still blindingly, well, twinkling, and it bothered Snape to his wits end. He idly wondered what would happen if he used _Nox_ on his employer's eyes. "Now, today's staff meeting will be quite different. We will not be talking about OWLs, rowdy students or curriculum changes." Snape perked up a little bit, "No, we will be talking something much more interesting." The Potions Professor slouched again, vividly pictured the whole staff meeting devoted to lemon drops, and visibly deflated, almost like a balloon with the air being let out. Dumbledore performed the counter-spell and calmly admonished Professor Flitwick for this was not the time for balloon deflating charms.

Professor Sprout decided to step in now as she saw Snape turn as red as one of her tomatoes, "Headmaster, why such a change? The Head of House meetings are our time to discuss all educational topics and student issues. What could possibly be so interesting that we must change a thousand-year-old tradition?"

Dumbledore leaned in conspiratorially, and the faculty, even Snape, followed suit, "My dear friends, even if I desired not to, I would have no choice but to discuss this… _fascinating_ topic with you."

McGonagall became irritated at the old man's cryptic words, "Albus, stop speaking in riddles. I have many papers to grade and lesson plans to write. Get on with it so we can end these boring meetings!" For once, Snape couldn't help but agree with his coworker.

Dumbledore sighed, but heeded the words of his Deputy, "The author caught another plot bunny," The teachers paled (except Snape, who was already pale to begin with), "and we are all forced to go along with it. He gave us a conversation topic."

"And what topic might that be?"

"To quote, 'So, how are we going to make Harry Potter's day miserable?'" Cue outrage. Shouts of denial, fury, irritation, and other words of annoyance were heard throughout the office.

"Denial!"

"Fury!"

"Irritation!"

"Other words of annoyance!"

The author of this run-of-the-mill fanfic didn't like how this was progressing. His plot idea was brilliant! He was going to make them see his way, but he was too lazy to write a monologue convincing the staff this made sense because honestly, it made no sense whatsoever.

Suddenly, because reasons, Minerva McGonagall, Pomona Sprout, Filius Flitwick and Albus Dumbledore immediately agreed to this brilliant, awesome and entertaining idea. "We immediately agree to this!" See? Wasn't that much better than writing something that made sense? They immediately began to discuss all the different ways to prank Harry Potter and how funny the look on his face would be. Many high fives were exchanged. Of course, I conveniently 'forgot' someone. Oh, I wonder who it might be? I completely forgot! Now, isn't that convenient? Um, you, uh, _you didn't hear anything_. Thank you, my monochromatic friend.

Severus Snape, now thoroughly puzzled, had but one coherent thought.

"I need to find Potter."

 _Hi, I'm Line Break. What's your name?_

Five minutes later we find Snape talking to Harry, Luna, Gred and Forge.

"Great Caesar's Ghost!"

"Merlin's Pink Dress!"

"Zounds!"

"Holy Horcrux!"

"Sweet Fancy Moses!"

"Great Googly Moogly!"

As much as the author enjoys these exclamations, he must sadly continue to approximately half an hour later to when Professor Snape is finally allowed to speak again.

"Well, I'll be hornswoggled!"

"Merlin's striped fanny pack!"

Guess not. Another time lapse!

"Unholy supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"

"Morgana's giant _!"

And that's where Snape cut them off, also docking 10 points from Ravenclaw for Luna's foul language. "Quiet you dunderheads! I know how unbelievable it may be, but was 45 minutes of strange interjections necessary?"

Luna stared at him with her unblinking blue eyes, "No, but the author says that it's necessary, so we have to use them."

Snape looked up and scowled at the ceiling, "Why? Why are you doing this to me Why is this necessary? Why must I sit here and hear people scream about Mordred's dirty underwear?" He did not receive an audible answer, though deep within the recesses of his mind, he could have sworn he heard a totally awesome voice say, _"I plead the 5_ _th_ _. Now move the plot along, this is too slow. I, the Great and Humble Lord Narrator, am not pleased that you are dragging out his fantabulousness idea."_

Harry hadn't said much so far, but decided to add his two knuts to the conversation. "I have a plan." Gred and Forge, melodramatic as they are, thought that now would be a good time to run around the room screaming in horror. _My plans are not_ that _bad_ , Harry thought. Nonetheless, he outwardly ignored them and continued. "We start a prank war."

It was as if time had stopped for the twins. George (or was that Fred?) was in mid-jump (because gravity doesn't exist in this fic unless it's convenient) with an expression of utter horror on his face. Fred (or was that George?) wore a similar expression, and held his face like the scream. Then, with speed so fast that it appeared to be teleportation, they were in front of Harry, wearing matching maniacal grins.

Using their twin-speech, or whatever they called it in November on even-numbered days, they excitedly cried, "We're in!" Luna stared at a point just above Harry's head, which generally meant that she was okay with whatever was going on around her. As for Snape, well…

" _Potter_ ," he yelled, with his normally pale cheeks flushed, "10 points to Gryffindor for such a ridiculous proposal!'

" _What?_ This was a brilliant…did you just say ' _to_ ' Gryffindor?" Harry's eyes were wide enough that his round glasses were proportionally tiny. Snape smiled malevolently, killing a puppy.

"I've wanted to spike Dumbledore's lemon drop bowl for quite some time now."

As they all shook hands, Luna, still silent, realized something. This was the beginning of the end, for the Marauders had returned…sort of.

 **AND THEN THEY DIED.**

 **THE END**

Well, uh, not really. I've just always wanted to do that. Anyway, here's what actually happened.

 **EPIC STUFF HAPPENED**

 **THE END**

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Am I a troll? Perhaps, but my goal was to make you laugh, not frustrate you. At least, that's what I was going for. I love anti-climactic fics! I'll leave what happened up to your imagination, because let's face it. We'll all think of something different.

Yes, I am aware how slow this was. That was the intention.

With, uh, love, and all those feels,

Lord Narrator, God of Awesomeness, and the Pun Master

…but you can just call me Sam. My name is much less wordy than my super awesome magnificent totally legitimate titles.


End file.
